Journal Entry Eight A Very SPN Christmas
by Ryla Dante
Summary: Part 8...What the boys might be thinking after each episode if they could speak their own minds on MySpace...Sam and Dean now have their own personal blogs...so check in every week! Major spoilers for A Very Supernatural Christmas. Semi AU...


A/N: Okay yes I know I am WAY late on this one...but since this fracking hiatus I have been less that enthused to do anything. No another 26 days to wait for another eppy...so here we go again!! I hope we get something going on here soon, this is getting rather annoying!!

Anywho...This Blog is even more AU than the last one, since we see the flashbacks and all...I worked in the necklace and a little blurb on what it means. Just messing with that honestly...I hope this was worth the wait!! Enjoy! Also thanx to Catbeist for kicking me in the ass to get this done!! I need you for deadlines Cat...we got a game plan here! Anytime I got a story I need finished, I will have you make sure I get it done!!!

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Sam's Blog...

December, 26th 2007 - Wednesday

I need to start this off by saying: I was right!! Sometimes you just need to leave well enough alone. Okay I am being a fatalist, but after the last couple days I have every right to be. I mean we were tortured by the Cleavers from Elm Street and I am missing a nail and will probably have a scar on my arm or at the very least a very nice mark for the next few weeks. I guess Dean did not get it when I told him when I did not like Christmas, but I think he sees it now, that is until...

You see my brother and I have never been too honest with each other. He always hid things from me when I was a kid. Told me to always mind my own damned business about mom and whenever Dad was out on a 'job' even when I knew he was on a binge, Dean would make up some cockamamie story of how cool our dad was and that he was saving the world from harm. I would remain starry eyed as he told of dad's many adventures, real or imagined. The when dad stumbled in a day or so later I would hug him and he'd think I had just lost my very mind. But inside I could tell he knew. Even later in life, he knew. I guess I got my brains from him, and Dean...his looks.

But that night 16 years ago changed things. As we stood in that crazy Santa village I began to remember things I had long forgotten, or at least lied to myself about, covered up and told myself happened differently. I had given Dean that necklace meant for Dad. I knew what it meant, how it protective powers were supposed to belong to our father. Yet after the talk that night with Dean, I knew it would be better suited for him and he would appreciate it more. Now I wonder if Dad had it later in life would it have saved him or were things supposed to go as they did? I guess we will never know...

As I said, after that night things were no longer the same. I no longer questioned anything. Once I found dad's journal and read everything it held, my mind was full of new and strange ideas that I had never in a million years even dreamed of. Well once I dreamed of a werewolf, but that is a different story all by itself. Like I was saying, I found that secret, and after the initial awe wore off, I was pissed. The fact that all that had been hidden from me all those eight years enraged me, or as much as an eight year old could be. Of course now I know how Dean felt when I sprung Ruby on him and the Crossroad's Demon on him as well...if I ever get the courage to tell him about mom and all that he may never forgive me.

Although after the crap we dealt with these past few days was squashed by the fact that I have a brother that I need to love, that I need to be there for. Yes it bothers me he may be gone in a few months I know this and I know I tend to take my anger of this out on him when I shouldn't, but in the end he means everything to me, and I would walk into hell right behind. I am sure he knows that.

I am glad though that he and I could finally have a decent Christmas even after all my dodging the subject. The man can be extremely persistent at times and for that I am happy. I don't think he realises that without his enthusiasm I might never do anything anymore. I'd probably just lay around and watch porn and waste away to nothing if Dean really was gone. Of course that would not be any good for any involved. Just giving up is not the best way to deal with things and Dean would not want that of me. He keeps telling me to go on without him, to live my life like I have always wanted and be happy. Yet when you have lived with the same person for 24 years it is extremely hard to think of life solo. There may have been times when we fought, times when we wanted to kill each other, but in the end it all worked out. Now we actually act like brother again and I want that to last and not just for the next few months, but forever. Don't leave me Dean, don't take away all that I have left...It would shatter me completely and I would not be able to handle the world without you in it.

I guess I just have to keep all this to myself anymore knowing that Dean doesn't like to speak about it. It was wrong to bring it up like I did two days ago and in such circumstances, but I had to say how I felt or I would explode. Christmas is hard enough without being in a stable environment, then with Dean dying causes more tension I can't deal with at present. I just need time to deal and there just isn't enough left. Dean I love you, just try to stay with me a little while longer. Stay closer and be the brother I always wanted you to be, not just my protector, but my friend. Then I won't ever have reason to get angry or pitch a fit. That is all I ask...Merry Christmas man. I hope things went well for you as well as they did me. It was a magical day (despite the hell that transpired) and I will always treasure it. I am sorry I made such a fuss about it. Forgive me...I hope you see this one day...hell I may even let you read some of it soon, if you get me drunk enough!! Only time will tell, which seems to be our motto as of late...

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Dean's Blog...

December 26th, 2007 - Wednesday

Okay, I do not know how much rum Sammy put in that eggnog, but damn. My head feels like someone is building a strip mall up there. Of course that kid was awake with the sun, in the shower and tapping away on his computer by ten o'clock. I wanted to strangle him. I tossed a pillow at his head but that only made my headache worse when the sun blasted me in the eyes. Had no choice but to get up then. Next time I make the drinks and Sammy is going to be hugging the toilet again, and like it!

I am really beginning to worry about that boy. Not just because of the fact that he can now hold liquor better than I can (which in and of itself is scary...) But the fact that he dissed Christmas so fast like that. Sure it was never a discussion until now, but for him to be so dead set against it was a bit weird. At least he finally came out and told me why and it hurt. I almost cried as he told me that it would be our last together and that he just did not want to chug eggnog and pretend everything was okay. Something in me actually wanted to hold him and tell him things would be okay, that I would be fine as would he. His big brother would be able to handle things until that day no matter the outcome. But seeing the sadness in his young eyes made it all the more worse. We only have each other and that deal screwed everything up even if I saved his life I ruined any chance he had at a potentially happy one. Just what I do I guess.

As I look at him now laying back on his bed staring out of the window and at the snow falling onto the Impala, I regret the last few days. I should have paid better attention at Mr. and Mrs. Pleasantville. I did not really see that coming and when we were in the basement it was too late to defend ourselves. I am usually quicker than that, but when Edward took me out I knew I was beginning to lose my touch. In the end it got Sam and I hurt which lately seems to be happening more and more. I swore I would try to keep him safe, saved his life but look at what I have done? Steer him away from one danger and smack dab into yet another. Although I know most times he can forgive me, at least I hope he can.

Christmas was exceptional. It was hard to shop for Sammy, the kid never tells ya anything, or when he does it tends to be in terms you can't understand anyways. When I went to the store I saw him there checking things out, his money in hand. I hid in the bath aisle and waited until he walked past the beer. He stood there a moment shaking his head then headed down another aisle. I sighed as I watched him walk about three feet then stop. He stood there for a while then disappeared all together. I yanked up the shaving cream then hurried to the cash register and asked the guy for a skin mag, not even really thinking. The entire time I was watching for Sam to poke his head out of the aisle to my left. I paid and hightailed it out of there. I stopped off at the local pub and waited for him to walk home, then drove back. That was when I discovered my brother had a penchant for rum, and a bit much for my liking. Oh well, as I said earlier, he will get his.

Sam just went to get some breakfast so I can type this without any lookie loos...16 years ago Sam gave me this necklace and I knew then what it meant. I never said anything then nor have I since. At least not to my brother. Bobby knew that weekend when we had to stay with him. He saw it around my neck and pulled me aside and asked how I came upon it. When I told him Sammy gave it to me he smiled and nodded. When I asked what it meant he told me that when I was old enough I would understand, but it wasn't my time to know just yet. So when I turned 18 Bobby pulled be aside again and told me that the necklace could save my very soul. I just had to believe in it and the powers it possessed. He knew more about it but when the day came to use it is when I would know its full potential. I know what he meant even then. Then when Dad died it became obvious. If he had it that day he would have lived, yet I knew later, MUCH later things were happening as they were supposed to, I just didn't like it.

Now with only mere months to go I hope I will know what is going on because 16 years is a hell of a long time for speculation. If it saves me where it couldn't my father, at least I will still be here for Sam and that is better in the long run. I need him as much as he needs me, we both know that. In the end I hope he knows that big brother Dean will always love him despite the fact he has been a pain in the ass and mostly because of it. Merry Christmas Sammy, may we have many more...

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